The past year and a half

Like I said in my last post, this blog is just for me. Jude and I got back together in January of 2010. She was the love of my life, even though things were fucked up between us. She is a chronic liar. Not that she would ever admit to it, and she doesn't even know that I know. But she is. I know she cheated on me a bunch. The other guy, her ex, who is on my softball team and is friends with my group of friends admitted it. I more than suspected it. I knew, but wouldn't admit it to myself, and wouldn't come to terms with it. I asked her about it over Spring Break and she said nothing happened. I didn't completely believe her and I was right to not believe her. She did. We finally broke up for good in April. She admitted that she is polyamorous and wanted to be able to date another person. At first, I was ok with this. I was worried about losing her and I thought I was pushing her away by getting too serious. I suspected she had someone in mind, her friend who was in town with her at school. It turns out I was right. I decided I couldn't deal with all the crap. I wanted a serious commitment, and she didn't want to commit. We broke up. She's currently dating the guy. We have kept in touch, but have obviously pulled apart. She messaged me on facebook, explaining how she's been depressed since we broke up, and has spiraled downwards. Then she said that she is going to try and be monogamous with her new guy, that she didn't want to let what happened with us, happen to her again. I don't know if this is a win or loss for me. First off, I have been fairly happy since we broke up. The relationship we were in was bringing me down, and I needed to get away from it. But, I can't help but feel a bit good about myself, that I know she knows the good thing that she screwed up. I gave her chances for two whole years to commit to me. I don't think I was asking for too much and I think I gave her more than enough time to decide. But, on the other hand, she decided that this other guy was worth committing to. That's how I see it. Of course it's possible that our breakup did have something to do with this, but why couldn't she decide this with me while we were breaking up. It's tough to see the full story from my angle. But anyway, I've been doing my best to meet girls, going on dates, etc. Really enjoying single life for the first time in years.

Christmas!

Christmas is the time for giving...me road head.

So I got road head for the first time last night. It was just as awesome as I had hoped. Also, it was from Alaska who is still the only girl who has been able to deepthroat me. The combination was mindblowing.

To catch up here, I decided to ask Alaska to come with me to a family christmas party where all the cousins in my family went to a bar for open bar from 1-5. Alaska and I had a great time, and she also happened to get pretty drunk. Who would have thought so at an open bar? She also has a new favorite drink of gin and sprite. My family all seemed to like her as well which was really cool in my book.

I'm the youngest of the cousins, and am finally able to go to bars with them, even though they all live an hour away. This was the first real time I partied with the cousins. It surprises them too that their youngest cousin is now 21.

Now, at the open bar, I got pretty drunk as well, and it was a little bit of a dive bar, so Alaska and I started to make out in the back near the bathrooms. She is incredibly wild and was more so with alcohol in her system. I'm pretty sure she drew blood just from her kisses and happening to bite my lip when she pulled away. Liking it a bit rough myself, I was totally cool with this.

Next, we headed into the solo bathroom where-immediately after I locked the door- she lifted up her shirt and bra and commanded that I pay attention to her breasts. Let me also state here that she has the most amazing natural breasts I've ever seen. She is anything but fat. (She rock climbs, scuba dives and is just in amazing shape). But her breasts are DDs. Very healthy DDs. They fit her body perfectly and are just wonderful to behold (and to play with). Naturally, I took to them like a a feeding child, and definitely left a few marks.

After a while, she lifted up my shirt, and started sucking on and biting my nipples. She also used her nails on my back, and in one moment of sexual frustration, she scratched harder than normal. I arched my back and she looked at all of my skin underneath her nail. There was a good bit of it, and she looked at her handiwork. There was a gasp, and then she licked up some of the blood she drew. Blood really turns her on. Even more than before, which I'm not sure was possible. However, we heard a knock at the door now, and had to let my cousin in the bathroom. We said she was checking her makeup, and my cousin (being extremely cool) told her that her makeup looked great.

Anyway, after that, we were pretty much all over each other at the next several bars we went to, but then we had to drive back because we had another party to go to. One that Cinderella was hosting. I was definitely anxious to show off Alaska at that party. And Alaska was more than happy to make Cinderella jealous.

But first, on the drive home, Alaska gave me road head that might put any future road head to shame. Then we stopped home at my place so I could get directions to the party, and Alaska and I headed back to my room.

Now, some backstory here: Alaska and I never really had a lot of freedom to fool around in the past. We never really had a free place to do anything and one of us was always dating someone. So we finally had the freedom to fool around and it was everything I could have expected.

I got her naked almost immediately and set to work. Her body is simply magnificent. Every part of her body should be put in stone. Wonderful breasts, her ass is perfect, legs, pussy, and every other small body part you might criticize. All perfect. And this was the first time I was seeing it in all it's glory. Long story short, I made her squirm all over the carpet and damn can she squirm. And then she made me cum all over her chest which was insanely hot as well. No actual sex but more on that later. A fantastic time was had by all and we plan to get together again sometime soon for more.

So after that bedroom session, we headed to Cinderella's party. It was an ugly sweater party, but we didn't really dress up. We only planned on staying for a little bit. It turns out the party was pretty lame as well. Basically there were a bunch of ditzy college girls being ditzy and annoying. One girl started crying and accused another girl of "ruining her favorite dress." Stuff like that. Alaska and I just talked with a couple of people and I made a show of kissing her pretty intensely in Cinderella's view. (Take that Cinderella!)

One thing is I always thought Cinderella would be the hottest girl I would ever be with. She does have a fantastic body. But Alaska really puts her to shame. And one huge asset that Alaska has is that she has brains. Lots of brains. There is a reason that I consider her to be one of the smartest people I know and that she is training to be a marine biologist. After about 20 minutes at the party, I took Alaska home and headed back home myself. We both needed to be up early the next morning. It was a pretty fantastic day for both of us, and is one of the reasons I do like being single. But more on that later....

For Myself

Well I think this blog has turned into another blog pretty much for myself. In my last post on February 22nd, I swore off girls. Less than a week later, I stayed up until 4 in the morning in a hotel room the night before a tournament, talking to my (now) ex-fiance. The next day, we kissed for the first time.

That's a lot to comprehend.

A group of 4 of us went to a speech tournament alone. There were 3 girls and me. We had one hotel room. I ended up sharing a bed with a girl on the team. We'll call her Jude. Jude and I had the most amazing conversation until at least 4 in the morning. We shared some of our deepest secrets and connected on the most fundamental level I've ever connected with someone. Of course, we had a tournament the next day and we had to be up at 7 in the morning.

We suffered through the tournament, and headed back home. We shared the backseat and texted each other so that our teammates wouldn't hear our conversation. To make a long story short, we admitted feelings for each other and held hands surreptitiously for the majority of the car ride.

The next day, March 1st, we made out for the first time and more. In a few weeks, we had had sex and had admitted that we loved each other.

The following summer was simply wonderful and bittersweet. We spent most of our free time together, falling even deeper in love and sharing even deeper secrets. It was just natural that we knew what each other was thinking and understood each other perfectly and completely.

Oh, the bittersweet part you ask? She was already dating someone. I knew about him from the start, he never knew about me. I don't know why this happened again, but once again, I couldn't help it. I really loved this girl and connected with her on a level even deeper than the Greek. I make no claims about being a good guy, but I don't really think I'm a bad guy. She constantly complained about him, constantly had fights with him, met his racist, misogynistic dad and admitted that he would turn out to be the same. But she still didn't want to break up with him for a myriad of reasons.

I put up with it. I put up with it all because I simply couldn't see myself without her, and I thought that anything would be worth staying with her. I always had hope that that would end and I would have her all to myself.

So, when she went away to college 6 hours from me, and a half hour from him, I stuck with it. I visited over labor day a couple of weeks later. Those 2 weeks felt like the longest of my life. But visiting her for a long weekend was amazing. One of the best weekends ever. And the first night, we got unofficially engaged. I'll spare you the details, but we both agreed that we wanted to.

The next couple of months could have been better. Long distance relationships are hard, and infinitely more when she is dating someone who she has proximity to. We visited each other a couple of times since Labor Day, we've constantly kept in text, skyped when we could and called when we could, but it wasn't enough. Weeks would go by without a phone call from her because she doesn't like to talk over the phone. She has trouble understanding people over the phone, which I understand. But for a long distance relationship to thrive, you need to talk over the phone. You need to hear the other person's voice and take comfort in it. Texting only does so much.

Anyway, by this past thanksgiving break, it was just too much, and we decided to take a break for 3 weeks until she gets back for winter break. I'm supposed to take the train downstate and then drive back the 6 hours with her. Either way, we're still trying to be good friends, because we still get each other like no one else. It hurts like hell, but she is someone who needs to be in my life. I can still see it working out some day in the future-but more on that later.

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This is why I suck at being single. Just when I swear off girls, I have the most intimate relationship of my life and get (informally engaged). It's really hard to write a blog about being single if I'm never single.

2 Months

Well, what can happen in just two months?  I'm still single if you're wondering.

Cinderella dated someone new.  I freaked out, had a nervous breakdown which I have a tendancy to do.  Then they broke up for reasons unknown.   We started to have real conversations again.  This is a start.

Alaska went to...well, Alaska finally.  She left January 2nd, and it's been rough since then.  Luckily, I've gotten to talking to her a lot either through text or skype, but it's not the same as being around each other.  She comes back April 26th and I'm counting the days.

Had casual sex with a friend of a friend.  We're in the same film class now, but not speaking to each other.  That's a long story for another post.

Speechie became my duo partner.  We're not exactly close, but we spend a lot of time together.  I've lost hope of anything more with her, but she's a good friend.  If it weren't for me, I don't know how she would keep up with everything speech-related.  I'm the mature one for once and it's a weird feeling.  She's amazingly talented though.  That's definitely a plus.

The Greek and I have been talking a lot.  I love that girl, and I'm happy she's found a guy she loves too and who is good for her.  I don't know if they're going to marry, but it wouldn't surprise me in the least.  I'm a bit jealous of all the sex they're having though.

Also, I've sworn off girls-for the time being.  Going after girls only makes me go crazy and plays havoc with my emotions so I said screw it.  If something is going to happen, I'm going to let it come to me-not the other way around.  I've been talking to a large number of girls lately, with thoughts of dating only in the far back of my mind.  If something's going to happen, it will, and if not, then it won't.  I'm happy just being single for now.

But I still wish there were more sex involved with being single.

Alaska

For the past couple of weeks, I've sort of been seeing this girl.

She is probably one of the smartest people I've met.  I've gone with her into the Geology classroom in some of our freetime (yes, she goes into class for fun), and just her knowledge about everything is amazing.  She's a TA for Geology, but she's studying Marine Biology in Anchorage starting next month.  Her knowledge of animals is also outstanding.  We were talking about how Cheetahs just recently got put on the endangered species list and she went on about a ten-minute long shpiel on a whole bunch of facts about cheetahs-they're habits, average length, what kind of teeth they have, how long they can run at full speed (200 yards at 71 mph if you're interested).  It just blew my mind.

One of the first things she told me about herself is that she suffers from depression.  Being someone who also suffers from depression (although undiagnosed), I could definitely relate to this.

This all started out by us talking after class every once in a while, then we exchanged numbers and started texting.  One night, we went out to dinner at Panera (I found out she's a vegetarian which is a first for me) and then I suggested that we go see a movie.

After the movie, we went and sat in my car and talked for a couple hours.  This was someone who I could talk about anything with and I won't go into some of the things we did talk about because they are very private, but I have never gotten this close, emotionally, to anyone before.  

After our talk, we found out that we are both interested in musical theater, and the strangest of things, we started singing together in my car.  So weird.  And this eventually led to us making out pretty heavily in the front seat. 

I'm sure you might be wondering, but how are you single right now?  Wouldn't this break the rules of your blog?  

Well, here's the thing.  She has a boyfriend.  They've been dating 2 years.

Now, normally, I would feel bad about this kind of thing, but she visited her psychiatrist last week.  Basically what her doctor told her is that her boyfriend is the root cause of most of her depression.  I take it he's a good guy, but just dumps a whole bunch of shit on her and does not do much to help her out emotionally.  She doesn't need that, and I think I can be better for her. 

I have a hard time feeling guilty when I think it's better for her.  Maybe I'm a jerk in that way, but I like this girl very much, and I am not ready to give up yet.

Winner!

I finally won something! Vix at her amazing blog The Over-Educated Nympho had a drawing for her new book and I was one of the winners for it! So I will be receiving a copy of "Through the Eyes of an Over-Educated Nympho" sometime in the next month or so. I urge you all to take a look at the blog and if you like it, buy a copy of her book. She's self publishing it and has been putting so much work into it, that it will definitely be worth your money!

Terrible

Well, I think it's safe to say that I am terrible at updating this. In my defense, these have been some of the busiest two months of my life! Work, school and speech have conspired against me to make my life very hectic indeed. So let's get to the updates.

Cinderella: Cinderella came in town for a couple weekends in October. The first weekend very much could have gone better, but the second weekend went well. I went to visit her in Ohio over Halloween and that went alright until the last night. Friday and Saturday we went partying, and let me say that the parties there are ridiculous! It was literally just blocks of partying and you couldn't walk or drive through the streets. It was pretty hectic. Finally, on Sunday though, she didn't even want to give me a goodbye kiss, and I've since realized that there's no future in that direction.

More later.